laura emily

ugly and blessed.

peeking out from my covers.
I took a shower. 
and then I brushed my teeth. 
had Neil Young sing to me over and over again, ‘Old Man.’ 
and moved slowly. 
and i'm missing you all. 

life has been hell this past month. 
Lost twenty pounds in a little over a week. 
blacked out more times than I care to remember. 
compromised out of fear & took prescribed treatments and medication that I knew were all wrong for me. 
discovered my hands don't work well enough to play the piano....after twenty years playing. 
forgot my name in the hospital. 
threw my herbal business into pure chaos. 
cried more than I thought was possible. 

I can fold into a hundred prayers or curse words at any moment,  
but when I'm sleepy, and Neil is singing ever so, there is a single moment where I take in a breath and I can see past what is happening within me to see what is around me. And goodness....I'm blessed. 

card after card & gift after gift from lovely souls I have never met recently showed up (thank you, blog-friends and soulodge sisters. Your support has been the greatest treasure). 
and one of the great loves of my life (Beth, I heart you), delivered flowers that I discovered quite some time later as I came out of my stupor.  
and goodness, I have a really good man by my side. While all this crap was going on, he completed his finals and graduated college, worked full time, processed my pending orders over at the shop, canceled my piano lessons, arranged for meals, and took care of me full time. And when I was throwing ugly words his way in pure rage over my circumstances, he just rubbed my feet and loved me through it. 

Yup, blessed. 

so here I am peeking out. We're going to try reverse what is physically going on naturally now. We gave the docs their chance, but knew it wasn't the right fit. So I'll share that journey with you over the next few weeks. The shop will be back up in June and I am super excited to start preparing for the August fast group (which my body desperately needs!). Gotta make time for some healing. :)

Missing you all. 
xo, laura emily 

 

check in.

I finished my 5 day IV-steroid treatments. I learned a few things along the way about steroid treatments. 

Some things taste better going down and up, so choose your meals wisely.
Oreo cookies cancel out awful and strong metal taste (PRICELESS tip from a lovely nurse)
Pre-apologize to your loved ones. You will bite some heads off.
Hot bath, hot towels, hot shower, hot heating packs. Repeat.
Prepare to bloat. 
If and when a bowel movement occurs, celebrate. Tell everyone. Text the family first, then take pictures.
Ask for numbing before they stick the IV in even if you can handle it.
It’s ok to have a messy home.
It’s ok to ask other people to bring you meals.
You won't be sleeping much, so youtube ellen clips all night. You earned it. 
Frozen lemons. Suck them up like there is no tomorrow.
When in doubt, take a nap. 
Bras have no place here.
Don't worry about returning phone calls & emails right away. 
extend kindness despite the circumstances, and you’ll find kindness extended back. 

Wasn't it just last week I was venting and processing what lyme disease was like for me? And now I'm in this hot mess? Funny mad world. But I can feel the prayers each night, tucking me in. So grateful. And I'm thankful for another lesson in asking for what I need! And I think I'm getting better at it. 

so naturally I just sent Tyler to the store. This little lady here needs frozen lemon treats, pronto. :)

missing you. 
xo 

frog medicine

last night, I was met with some frog medicine. This little cutie marched right on in to our home and sat with us for a while. I was happy to find out later that some cultural symbolism of frogs is healing, emotional and physically. Tyler wouldn't even touch the cutie, and there I was laying a big smooch on it. Unfortunately he did not turn into a prince upon kissing; which I don't recommend, but come on, we all know I couldn't resist trying.  

thank you for the love, friends. I wanted to hug each and everyone of you for the encouragement. 

I don't have the ability to focus on the screen for long, so I can't respond to every one's comments, but know your words and love helped tremendously. I'm currently undergoing IV steroid treatment each day for what is looking like an acute attack of multiple sclerosis. It was a sudden and unexpected turn, and really I'm just struggling with the thought of not being healthy....again. The only symptom I had prior to this week was mass body numbness and fatigue, which honestly I thought was a oh-so-lovely leftover from the Lyme disease. I'm not responding well to the IV steroid sessions physically, but mentally I'm in a good place. Also a few glass plates short. :) Husband was slightly mad he didn't get in on the throwing action, so I might set him up with some awful vases I could never sell at our garage sales later tonight. I'll let you know later this week how things are turning out- and hopefully when I can focus on the laptop screen better, I can get around to visiting your blogs again. I miss you terribly so!

xo. 

{ this moment }

lessons this week-

sometimes you cannot heal everything.
sometimes you cannot control everything. 
sometimes your orders will be a week late shipping out, and that is ok.
sometimes medicine will turn everything you eat to taste like metal and cat butt. Stop complaining about it.
sometimes you will thank yourself for putting on a new clean pair of underwear before you head out to the ER. Your mama taught you well. 

and sometimes life just really sucks. 

I may not be here that much this week. I have to go to th hospital every day for some treatment. 
Eye sight in my right eye is....well....not there. Looking at the pc or tv screen is hard on my left eye. He is mourning, after all. The right eye vowed through sickness and health to him, and all that jazz....traitor. 

The doctor is tossing around big words and labels that I fear- but I'm feeling quite grounded despite the circumstances. Agitated. Pissed. Broke a bunch of stuff throwing it at the wall (Best. Self. Help. Ever.) But grounded. And now I'm drinking up a storm of water and indulging in some apple with cheese. Tomorrow, I'm pulling out the china to meet the wall, getting more treatment, and keeping my fingers crossed that steroid treatment will not put hair on my chest. Hair on my face, I can do. Bearded lady has been a long awaited career goal. 

if you have a moment, throw something at the wall for me. Think of it as a physical prain chain, for me. :)

do you what you gotta do. 

love you all. 
xo 

i LOVE the words pouring in. You are rocking off the spine of my dictionary. :)

My seven day post is going to have to start tomorrow, however. I'm catching up on orders today, over at the shop. No time to dress properly or brush my hair. Cave lady, here, is going to go wrap up some pretty herbs and practice pronouncing some new words. 

(ps: over at the shop I listed the registration for the August 10 Day Fast.)

confessions.

-I have to be the first person to cut into a new tub of butter. We don't buy real butter much- and I don't think my husband and I have ever purchased a little tub container- but if we did, and if he was the first to cut that little cute curl on top.....I'd go crazy mad. 

-When I prepare veal, I cry. But it makes the best wiener schnitzel.

-When I butterfly chicken, and pound it out to avoid using veal for wiener schnitzel, I cry.

-….I cry easily.

-I thought it was called an info-commercial until Tyler bet me twenty bucks that I was wrong. Infomercial is a made up word, I do declare. I also owe a lot of scrabble players an apology.

-You know that commercial for a jewelry store where the husband is graduating from college and presents a gift to his wife for supporting him during the school years? Yeah. I registered at Target to give Tyler some cheaper options…..Apparently we are getting married too, if you’d like to stop by our register list. :)

-Once I put cellophane wrap over the toilet so Tyler would get a fun surprise in the morning…and then forgot about it….and woke up first….to use the toilet. So not fun.

-I absolutely loathe when someone pronounces mature as ‘ma-two-er.’ I know there is more evidence to pronounce it as such, but goodness. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.

-I hate it when someone tells me how to pronounce something…..so I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more matwoer. :)

-I think I’ve only filled the car up maybe three times since I got married....almost four years ago. 

-On my gift idea list for Tyler’s birthday in June, I wrote down: fill up the car.

-I’m trying to improve my vocabulary. Want to help? Drop me a WORD in the comments. I'll title a post after it, and reflect on it during a post this week. I need 7 words. :)

PS: Look!! The lovely Joanna Otten of Twisted Whimsy Designs used my lavender to create this gorgeous beauty: 

When I package my herbs, I always wonder about their new lives with their new owners. Will they be used as a tea? An herbal heating pack? Will they miss me? I was so happy to learn about this gorgeous creation with the lavender she picked up from me. It is stunning! 

pps: thanks for the support and love yesterday. I just needed to vent out and sort out my thoughts about being sick in the past. :)

love each other.

Confession-

Yesterday, as I was compiling orders, I watched Dr. Phil. Yup. Straight up intentionally put Dr. Phil on and watched. I don’t generally find myself watching talk shows, but when I heard that part of Dr. Phil’s show on Friday was addressing Lyme disease, I had to tune in.

I don't have many photos of us during the 'sick years' but
this is my favorite. I looked normal on the outside, but I couldn't
function well. Nor did I have energy to tell him I hated his hair cut and glasses....and shirt. :)

So I watched it. And then I sobbed for a solid hour- who are we kidding, it was a few dozen repeat listening sessions to this song and half a box of Kleenex later until I was ready to face the rest of my day.

As you may know, since I talk sideways at it so often, I had Lyme disease. For five years. Most of the time I narrow that down to four years- I don’t count the first year prior to being diagnosed. That year was just pure hell and deserves its own disease title: hellinism.

The Dr. Phil show did a horrible job recapping what Lyme disease is, but what they did get right is how people who struggle with this disease are for some strange reason over looked by the community- despite being the fastest growing infectious disease in America. It seems we come together and encourage and support individuals with diseases that we understand better, but let the unknowns slip through our fingers. We also require someone to play sick to really be sick. Someone once told me, “you look fine on the outside so it can’t be that bad.” And from that moment on, I hid being sick, which often meant hiding myself.

And dear old Tyler- goodness, that man! Tyler single handedly cooked the meals, took care of the house, the yard, the grocery shopping, all the errands, worked full time and attended college full time, got me to my appointments, and drove me to all 24 piano lessons I had each week. I would set up the bathtub with blankets and pillows, snacks and water so he didn’t have to worry about coming home from school or work to help me get to the toilet. Whereas I needed some physical help, I think Tyler needed a hot meal and hug.

I don’t have Lyme disease any longer, and if you know of someone who is struggling with this disease, get in contact with me. I am more than happy to share what cured me. I haven’t restored all of my health yet. I’m getting better each day, but I still have a ‘day in bed’ here and there. The hardest part, however, during this aftermath, is dealing with unresolved pain with the community around me. 

The show brought up all this pain I didn’t realize was even there- so naturally I didn’t finish. It felt too sore, too raw. Years of my life where I justified and made up excuses for why our circle of friends and family didn’t acknowledge what Tyler and I were struggling through. And while that is in the past, and I’m really ok with how it played out, I realized that I am much more closed off today because of it. I keep up walls- beautiful neat row of poplars that I cultivated to protect me. So I’m going to work on that more. Opening up, trusting, and loving a bit harder, a bit more resolved. 

In any case, if you get anything out of this rambling at all- may it be this: If you know someone who is struggling with any sickness, love them hard. 

Love on their family. Love on their home or their yard. I don't really care if you don't understand what their disease is, or how sick they seem to you- love on them harder all the more. 

______________________________________________________________

ps: You can find a $25 gift card giveaway and a 15% discount code for my shop Good Earth Living over at the lovely blog, Mothering with Mindfulness. Head on over to leave a comment to enter! Giveaway is opened until April 19th!

{ this moment }

blog share via soulemama. 

note to self: do what you gotta do to germinate. 
ps: get the cats their own food bowls. The fat one is starving the skinny one.
pps: and clean your oven  remind the husband it's his turn to clean the oven. 
 
happy friday, friends!  Have you ever had a really horrible day on Friday the 13th? 

dream catching.

growing.

Spring has been in the air since March, but it is finally showing up full force with a little warmer weather. 
We live on 5 acres of land, but we only have access to a small cut of earth, so this year we're going to try our hand at container gardening. I've only worked with the earth, so container style is completely out of my comfort zone. But our little growing family of pots make sitting out on the back patio feel like we're visiting with old friends.  

so far we have spinach, garlic, several different tomato plants, lemon thyme, peppermint, spearmint, carrots, pole beans, arugula, romaine, kale, white onions, summer squash, catnip, chives, french lavender, sugarsnap peas, lemon balm, sweet basil, oregano, sage, and rosemary. We have a few more things to plant, but with a limited budget, I have to start making some tough decisions on who gets to join our container family. I'm flirting with the idea of strawberries in a hanging basket, but I'm not sold on it yet. 

What have you had great success growing in pots? 

I spent some time today painting sticks to label and use as garden stakes. They won't last through our heavy rains, but they will do for now. I quickly wrote out the plant names on top- the bottom of each stick, where it digs into the soil, I wrote out different virtues I'd like to encourage and grow over the spring/summer. 

Thanksgiving got two sticks- I caught myself complaining about our couch color and hard bed to an already stressed out and busy husband. I stopped mid sentence in my vent about how brown couches do not belong next to grey walls and said, "Wow, I do not want to be that lady." I have a couch. An almost brand new and free couch. That is super comfy. And any couch that is comfy, free and in a divine brand new condition belongs next to my grey wall. And that is how thanksgiving earned two pots of its own. 


What virtues will you be growing this spring? 

 

an outdoor easter.

we don't lead very exciting lives- 
and that is exactly how we like it.
nonetheless, here is a glimpse of our simple easter meditations throughout the day: 
outside from dawn to dusk....because that is what you do in the pacific northwest when the sun is about.

  

quiet sun bath. 
sunrise to sunset. 
eating scripture.
apple cravings from morning to night. 
hands in the earth, planting.
watering....and maybe killing. 
kitty hugs. 
ignoring the computer. 
sitting around the flames, swapping stories of old.
realizing the sound of a good wood fire is on my top five favorites. 
flirting with my new favorite plant people: the orange mint clan. YES!
listening to a sea of calls and thoughts from our animal neighbors. 
learning how to record videos from hank little hawk (aka canon rebel)
and then decided this laid back life will do just fine, thank you. 

hope your easter was joyFILLed. 
xo, laura emily 

{ this moment }

 

....I'm afraid his cute little love handle is officially a butt cheek.

I promise you- when he stands, there is, in fact, a butt crack. I'll spare you that photo. 

Josef, doll. I will always love you. No matter what odd shape you want to eat yourself into.
It just makes cuddle time all the more...cozy.